and her hand shivers..
The fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself. -Publilius Syrus (~100 BC), Maxims
maybe life will never be fulfilling. my desires are nothing but a bottomless pit. dark, deep, VERY empty. i never seem to assuage this hunger of mine. back in the old school days (oh dear, that sounds depressingly geriatric), my thoughts constantly steered to “oh god, when are these endless exams ever going to cease? when, oh when, will the time come for the endless partying, the frequent shopping, the embrace of this so-called religion, F-U-N.”
12 years later, the ideal prophecy just turned out to be one big super sham. let’s face it. put yourself in my shoes. i’m currently suffering from this disease, definitely still un-named, but something i would tenderly label the one-fifth-life crisis. i still do not have *the ring* on my finger from *the one*. my savings, though guarded with very watchful eyes, is starting/will start to dwindle as i put my foot out for that necessary yearly migration overseas. pre-preparations, preparations, post-preparations; you name it, i have to cover it with my already meagre monthly wages. and it does not help that though my heart is still set on medicine, that other course, whats-its-name-again?, seems a l-i-t-t-l-e interesting. and dear fart, i am starting to get more withdrawn. i do not talk unless necessary.
first, i shall map out my financial situation. if i do enter adelaide (dear god, i do want to), fees alone stand at roughly A$138 000. with a budget of over A$12 000 per annum for food+lodging+books+misc, you can see why it scares the shit of out my dad. see me in six years time. my family would probably be as blardy shrivelled as those blardy shrivelled sunraysia cranberries. sucked out of our juices. dad says that with his savings alone, my first two years are covered. munzy’s dad, with his savings alone can only cover the first semester. compare and contrast. now of course i am in a better financial position. but it’s not about comparison here. it’s more of arghness. the feeling of being argh-ed. get the drift?
the quest stands on the edge of a knife.
dramatic openings aside, i am still aggravated that i still do not have a place in a proper medical school. to the point that even *law* and *psychology* seem interesting. *shrieks*. let me enter adelaide please! pity please!
“do not hold on to something which you cannot see in the first place” said aliman.
this, i promise, will be short and sweet. dearest, why can’t you be more transparent with me? i will still wait, even when i am miles away. you will still be the first thing i think of when i awake. and the last thing on my mind as i sleep. you are the one, i know you are. you have to be.
it’s like a rush of blood to your head. all these thoughts, these problems and worries (including the above-mentioned) are starting to take a toll on my patience. and just as how the death of light brings darkness, the people around me are starting to dim out from my life. kak lina sits beside me at work. i was known as the-one-who-is-easy-to-talk-to. now, i am just an accessory. an office ornament. now, of course the blame is not on them. it’s me. everyone knows i am not able to multi-task effectively. so when i have things to iron out, i shut out. and i have been shutting out. naturally, silence seems to exist between me and kak lina; and of course everyone else. yes of course, we still do talk. just not often. not that i care, cos i really don’t. i’m smoothening the wrinkes in my life, remember? i do such a blardy good job of covering up my insecurities that not many know i am troubled. how talented.
it does not help that my butt grows steadily in size as it firmly plants itself on that cushy chair 6 days a week. shitting is now a hobby. my taebo dvd sees daylight once a week. the pimples on my face pop out at times to say hello. my hair is more tangled than j lo’s lovelife.
may peace be upon F-U-N
